(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Cory, Mr. Rutherford called from the banquet hall.
Somebody canceled, and now there's an open date.
How would you like to get married on July 4th, Independence Day?
Married on Independence Day? How ironic.
You're not getting cold feet about this, are you?
Topanga, you know those terrible dreams I've been having?
Yeah.
Well, they're, don't get mad, about marriage.
They're, don't get mad, anti-marriage dreams.
You, don't get mad, you don't come out so well.
Why not?
Well, last night, for example, I had this dream
that you and I, we got married,
and we wound up in the poor house.
You know how I know?
Big, big sign on the front, "The poor house."
And inside, it sounded like
people were being beaten,
and there was this execution room called the Topanga Room,
and the executioner was you!
And all the chopped-off heads
in the head basket were me!
Are we getting married or not?
Yeah, I'm just talking.
But how are you so sure about this?
Because I look at our parents, Cory.
I mean, they got married when they were young,
and they love each other more now than they ever did.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I mean, my parents are still having babies.
Oh, by the way, my parents are coming into town
to discuss the wedding.
"Oh, by the way, my parents are coming into town"?
Oh, by the way, captain Titanic, this ship's in two pieces!
I wanna be able to tell them we've set the date.
We have?
Cory, it's okay to be nervous about this. It's natural.
Hey. You wanna hear something?
Feeny and I are getting married Sunday.
Are you nervous?
(WHISPERING) Yes.
We're just planning a simple ceremony
at the justice of the peace on Sunday.
Oh, Alan, we should have the wedding here.
Oh, no, no. That's not necessary.
Oh, come on, George. Everyone will want to be there.
You can't rob them of that. Yeah.
I can't imagine anybody being interested in us.
I'm surprised she's interested in us.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, George.
Oh, Lila.
Oh, my.
Oh, boy!
Big trouble!
Cory, Mr. Feeny and Lila are getting married in our living room.
I'm thrilled for you, Feeny.
Now, get out and take your chick with you.
Cory, have you lost your mind?
The in-laws are coming.
We're outta here.
Looking forward to Sunday.
Yes, yes, we all are. Now, let's go.
You're a good boy.
Big trouble!
Oh, Cory, it's just Topanga's parents.
Well, I'm going in the living room.
They used to be Topanga's parents. Now they're the in-laws.
Now they hate me.
Why?
The same reason Grandma hates you.
Oh, got it.
And other reasons.
What other reasons?
Yale. I'm the reason
that their daughter is not going to Yale this year.
I'm also the reason that their daughter
is not living with them in Pittsburgh.
That is why I made these.
Dos and don'ts for behavior around the in-laws?
What, you didn't think I was actually gonna let you
be yourselves for this, did you?
"No impressions, none."
What? People love my impressions.
Oh, please. No one even knows when you're doing one.
Fine.
(JOSHUA CRIES)
♪ Hush little baby don't say a word
♪ Mama's gonna buy you a mocking bird ♪
Uh, no she ain't, Ma. Not tonight.
Ha.
What do you mean, ha? I mean, ha, you can't sing.
I mean, no, you sing very well. But not tonight,
'cause it's on the "don't" list like my impressions.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (SCREAMS)
They're here!
Oh, Cory, there's nothing to be nervous about.
Their daughter loves you. That's what's important.
You're right. You're right. That's what's important.
You know what else is important?
That you two stick to the conversational topics
that I've clearly written out for you.
"Bridges and patio furniture"?
"Peaches and slipcovers."
That's it! Nothing else!
Nobody says anything stupid, okay?
Nothing stupid.
Hi. Hi.
I'm sorry your daughter gave up Yale for me.
Cory, you remember my parents, Jedediah and Rhiannon.
It's okay, Cory. She's happy where she is.
Sure, what the hell.
Four generations of Lawrences at Yale are plenty. (CHUCKLES)
Would you like to come in?
Yeah. I guess.
Hello, Cory.
White ball in the hole right over there.
(EXCLAIMS)
Eric, you just scratched on purpose.
Yeah, well, I'm a loser anyway.
Hey, do you wanna talk?
What, you and me?
Yeah. Can we do that?
Why, I mean, I don't know.
We never have before.
No, not in the last six years.
Not even that year we lived together.
I know. I completely forgot about that year.
When was that?
That was last year.
Oh! Oh!
So, you want to try talking and see what happens?
What could you and I possibly have to talk about?
Okay.
My life sucks, Shawnie.
I lost my apartment... My apartment!
I lost Rachel... Rachel!
I lost my best friend Jack. Rachel!
And now I'm about to lose Feeny to that mean old lady.
Jack!
Well, Eric, I lost something that means more to me than any of that,
and I managed to survive.
You mean your dead dad, Shawn?
You're a sensitive guy.
Hey, thanks, man.
I just wish that Rachel could see that.
I mean, I love her.
Let me ask you something.
Do you think the two of you would actually make a good couple?
She's so pretty.
Right. But what about her attracts you spiritually?
Oh, spiritually. She's so pretty.
Okay, but what about her personality makes her your ideal woman?
Well, she's pretty, like I said,
and she can walk really good, and she's got this...
You know what? Why don't you just go ask Jack?
I mean, he's the one who won her.
You know, it sounds to me
like you care more about the competition with Jack
than you actually care about her.
Oh, well, now, see, that is ridiculous.
I could've won that. I could. I swear. He cheated.
Because Dad died?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he was grieving.
Chicks totally dig people that are grieving.
Now, don't get me wrong. I know it was your dad and everything, I really do,
but I'm pretty sure it was a fix.
Eric, you know, I feel really good
about my life right now.
Because when I took off in my dad's trailer,
I had a moment, just one moment,
that made everything completely clear for me.
I was looking at the night sky,
and I could see everything,
the stars, planets, galaxies.
You must've felt so small.
I did. I totally did. I felt like a speck
who was here for one moment in time and then gone.
And I decided that while I'm here,
I wanna be with my friends and the people I love.
Because when I'm with you guys,
I don't feel that small.
That's what I figured out.
But that's for you.
Yeah, that's for me.
So, I guess I got to figure stuff out, too,
but for me.
For you.
I'm glad you came back, Shawn.
That's a nice talk.
Yeah, it was. We should do this again sometime.
Look at them, Cory. That is one big, happy family.
See, I look at them, and that's how I know we're going to be okay.
That's how.
And my cards are working like a charm.
Yeah, whatever.
Cards? Cory, what did you do?
(SHUSHING)
Hello.
Hi. CORY: Hi, how are you?
What are we talking about? Television.
Jedediah says there's nothing good on anymore.
Television?
Is television bridges or patio furniture, Dad?
The only good show that was ever on television,
and everybody knows this, is ALF.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, what?
Nobody watches ALF, Jedediah.
It's not even on anymore.
Well, that's my point, Rhiannon.
There's nothing good on television.
What's the matter with... Yes. Ally McBeal?
I'll tell you what's wrong with Ally McBeal.
She has no passion for the law. What?
And she takes issue with her husband's comments on television
in front of other people.
She's not even married.
And she never will be.
You remember when ALF was on Johnny Carson?
Oh, no.
Boy, nobody did it like Johnny.
Dad.
(IMITATING CARSON) Ooh, I did not know that.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, that was... That was hideous.
Do another one.
I don't really want to now.
Jedediah, I thought his Johnny Carson was absolutely fine.
(IMITATING ED MCMAHON) Hey-o. You are correct, sir.
Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Rhiannon, I was just having a little fun with him.
Come on, Dad. Let's hear your Johnny Carson.
Yeah. Why is it no matter what I say,
you have to take the opposite point of view?
(JOSHUA CRIES)
I didn't mean to scold.
I just thought you were being a little rude.
No, I wasn't being rude.
Rude is how you chose to interpret it, honey.
(SINGING LULLABY)
Mom. Mom!
Mom! Mom!
(IMITATING HUMPHREY BOGART) Of all the gin joints in all the towns
in all the world, she walks into mine.
What the hell are you doing?
Let's just drop this for now and talk about it later, okay?
Just drop it.
The trouble with us is we drop something,
it doesn't mean it goes away.
Oh, Cor, how about some dessert?
(IMITATING JACK BENNY) How about a little, uh, dessert?
I think that sounds like a great idea,
because, uh, Cory and I have an announcement to make.
Honey, I wanna hear your announcement. I really do.
But I've gotta take a walk for a few minutes,
get a little air.
Yeah, why don't you do that?
(DOOR SLAMS) Mom?
Oh, I'm sorry.
You just couldn't stick to the cards, could ya?
Mom, what's wrong?
It's nothing, Topanga. I'm emotional.
My little girl is getting married.
What's wrong with Dad?
Oh, Daddy and I have been together a long time.
I know.
That's what I keep telling Cory.
He really wants me to reassure him
that our relationship is going to last forever.
All I have to do is tell him about you guys.
Topanga...
Every relationship lives on its own.
What you each bring to it is what sustains it.
You don't need to look at any other relationship as an example.
You're right.
It's going to be really hard for me and Cory to live up to you guys,
but we're gonna try.
Sorry I walked out like that.
It was a long drive from Pittsburgh. I'm a little worn out.
It's okay, Daddy.
Are we ready to go back inside?
We have a wedding to plan.
Yeah.
You get enough air, Jed?
I'm making spaghetti.
You wanna share it like Lady and the Tramp?
Yeah. I'll be Tramp.
Unless, uh, you wanna be.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, nuts!
Who is it? It's Eric.
Um, just a second.
Okay.
Hey. Hey.
So, what have you guys been up to?
Oh, nothing. It was just a normal night.
I guess I'm not interrupting anything here.
Oh, no, no. We were just, uh, reading.
The Bible.
Oh, well, that's good
'cause I actually came here to give you my blessing.
No, I just wanted to tell you guys
that I'm not gonna try to make you feel uncomfortable or bad...
(GASPS) Two straws!
It's okay. It's okay.
You know, seriously, forget about that.
I just wanted to say that
I am genuinely happy for both of you.
Oh, um, isn't that nice.
Why?
You're gonna get a kick out of this. You are.
You remember how excited we were when she moved in?
Yeah.
You know, maybe this should be just between you guys.
No, no, that's okay. Listen.
Remember how from the second we saw her,
we both wanted her?
Yeah.
I'm gonna leave now, okay?
No, no. Listen, listen, 'cause here's the thing.
I have been a fool.
What?
This whole time, I've been sitting here thinking
I'm so in love with Rachel, but...
I don't even know her.
What?
Yeah, just living in the same apartment with her, you know,
wondering what she's gonna wear every day,
or catching a whiff of the smell of her hair,
or that cute, funny little laugh she's got.
(GIGGLING)
Oh, you mean like that.
Yeah, our lives really were turned upside down by this one.
Oh, dude, weren't they? I'm telling you, man.
But you know something,
I realized something after I moved out of the apartment.
What?
It was the competition,
the competition that was so exciting!
Yeah, it was.
What?
Yeah, yeah, I won that one.
Yeah.
Won what? Won you.
No, I mean, I didn't "won" you.
I meant I won, you.
Well, anyway, look,
I really just came over here
to tell you guys how happy I am for you, you know?
It feels so good to finally get it off my chest. So...
(EXHALES)
All right, that's all. I'm gonna go now.
Hey, it was good seeing you again, man.
Really, it was good seeing ya, all right?
See you, sweetie, all right?
Peace.
How you doing?
Hi.
So, while you guys are here,
we want you to come down and see the hall
where we want to get married. It is so beautiful, Mom.
We will, honey.
We never actually had a hall.
We eloped. You did?
Yeah, her folks didn't think I'd amount to anything,
but I guess we showed them, huh, honey?
I guess.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Twenty three years of happiness, brand-new baby,
these babies getting married.
Yeah, we showed 'em.
What about you guys?
Did Grandma and Grandpa think you guys would make it?
Yeah, they thought we would make it.
They thought we would be together forever. (VOICE BREAKING)
Don't.
So did I.
Oh, honey. Mom?
(CRYING) I'm sorry.
Look, Rhiannon, not now.
Mom, why are you crying like this? You're scaring me.
I thought I could get through this, but I can't.
I'm so sorry.
No, actually, you know what,
it's time to feed the baby.
Alan, why don't you come help me feed the baby.
How can I help you feed the... Alan.
Oh, yes, of course.
I'm sure I can help. Excuse us.
Here, maybe I should go...
No, no, Cory. Please, you stay.
If you stay, I don't think...
Your father and I argue a lot.
That she'd actually say anything in front of you.
All married couples argue a lot.
Topanga, haven't you ever wondered why we let you stay here
when we moved to Pittsburgh?
Because of me. Because you didn't want to
take me away from my last year of high school.
And Cory.
Because you didn't want to rip me away from my friends.
Me.
Daddy and I thought we could work things out better
if we took some time by ourselves.
Work what out? There's nobody like you two.
You two are so in love.
Topanga, people change.
Daddy, why is Mom talking like this?
We didn't want to dump this on you.
We wanted to wait until after the wedding. No.
Honey, look, we tried. We tried as hard as we...
You guys will get through this.
Marriage is not something to get through, Topanga!
That's not why I got married.
Oh, God. No, God. Oh, God.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm...
Your daddy and I...
Maybe we just got married too young.
Jed!
Not you.
This has nothing to do with you.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Now, remember, we are not here as a couple.
I'll sit with you, I may dance with you, but we are not together.
I know. I know. You reminded me three times in the car.
Don't worry. The only feelings I have for you
are friendly feelings.
Okay, but it's a wedding.
I don't want you getting all sappy on me.
Oh, come on.
Am I the sappy type?
Oh, Morgan's a flower girl. Gimme a kiss.
I'm really gonna miss you, Mr. Feeny.
Oh, I'll miss you, too, my boy.
But I'll be back from Aruba in two weeks.
Yeah, I'm, uh, thinking of doing some traveling myself.
Oh, no, don't worry. I'm not going to Aruba.
I love you, Mr. Feeny.
I love you, too, Eric.
I'll see you when I get back.
Yeah. I'll see you.
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYS)
We are gathered here today
to join this couple in holy matrimony,
which is an honorable estate.
George and Lila have chosen
to express their love in their own words.
Quietly, I have searched for love for much of my life.
And now that I begin this marriage of our spirits,
I realize how incredibly lucky I am
to have found it.
My only sadness
is that I found you so late in life.
LILA: That we've lived our lives
spending more days apart than together.
FEENY: But you've given me your love and friendship,
and I promise I'll make up for that lost time.
LILA: For marriage is based on those things,
but friendship most of all.
Do you, George Feeny, take Lila Bolander as your lawful wedded wife,
to have and to hold until death do you part?
FEENY: I do.
And do you, Lila Bolander, take George Feeny as your lawful wedded husband,
to have and to hold until death do you part?
LILA: I do.
With the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Hello.
Oh, hey, Mr. Rutherford.
No, no, no, I'm sorry we haven't gotten back to you yet.
No, I don't think July is going to work.
Yeah, I guess we're still thinking about it.
Yeah.
Okay, thank you.